Trader Joe's Pinachios

piz·zazz/pəˈzaz/

Noun: An attractive combination of vitality and glamour.

pa·nache/pəˈnaSH

Noun: 1. Flamboyant confidence of style or manner. 2. A tuft or plume of feathers, esp. as a headdress or on a helmet.

pis·tach·i·o/pəˈstaSHēˌō/

Noun: The edible pale green seed of an Asian tree.

Combine those three words together and that's how you get "Pinachio." Or so I assume. I wouldn't have figured the "pizzazz" part, but the side of the Trader Joe's Pinachio container tells me these cookies have that, and I guess something like "Pizznachio" just sounds a little bit too ridiculous.

Anyways, those a lot of words could use to describe these pistachioed-white chocolate-chipped cookies, but pizzazz and panache are not on the list. I mean, they're not bad, but despite their premise, they're just not all that fancy or particularly great either. Each cookie is mostly just that...cookie. As in, not pistachios or white chocolate, but kinda like the empty space between the stars. Just not a lot there. As a result, while present, there's not a lot of pistachios or white chocolate to taste. Also, this is my personal bias, but I don't like overly crunchy cookies nearly as much as soft semi-melty ones, and the Pinachios are some crunchy little buggers. For the record, they pair great with milk, but to me it's almost a necessity to help soften them up to make them enjoyable.

Sandy swears they softened up some over time. I'm not arguing or contradicting her, but let's just say my mouth's interpretation as to the rigidity and texture pertaining to crunchtitude of these said packaged goods differs from hers. We both agree there isn't all that much to them. "They don't have nearly as much pistachio flavor, as, say pistachio ice cream," Sandy said. "Hmm, these would have been great with ice cream...We should go get ice cream." Oh, twist my arm, sweetie. Anyways, somehow in my life I have managed to be blessed with a semi-regular influx of absolute killer white chocolate chip macadamia cookies, which I'd go for way over these. Just to show how indifferent Sandy and I were to them, after opening them, the container lasted a full week just sitting out on the kitchen table. If that's not an indication of "meh", I don't know what is.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Pinachios: 5.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Everything Bagel Chips

In case you were wondering, to my knowledge at least, Nathan and I really don't have any system whatsoever to determining what products we're going to review. I usually scan the shelves for anything new or interesting-sounding (or both), and if that fails, try to check our purchases against a mental inventory of what we have and haven't reviewed. It's not flawless by any stretch but it works often enough. The only possible weakness of it is, speaking solely for myself, since it's my money and my food (both are pretty darn important), with a notable exception or two, I tend to buy things I have a reasonable expectation of liking, so we can tend to be a little too positive. I think we might be some of the best press TJ's receives this side of the Fearless Flyer, and if someone can get me a job with that, I'm jumping ship.

I mention all that because it's not like Sandy and I bought Trader Joe's Everything Bagel Chips with the set intention of reviewing them. I mean, ho-hum, they're bagel chips, right? How much can one really say about a bag of bagel chips?

Well, this is me we're talking about. I can say a lot about them, but I'd rather be eating them. They're so good that I feel propelled to advise all of you to go purchase them, if for no other reason than to make a good faith effort to ensure they are never discontinued like too many tasty goodies we've reviewed, like the best. salad. ever. Aside from all the normal great attributes of bagel chips (crunchiness, high munchability), what really struck me on these is how fresh they taste. Maybe this doesn't make sense, and maybe I'm pulling this from my youknowwhat, but where other bagel chips taste distinctly toasted, these....don't. They taste just like a fresh bagel that magically crunchy-crispified itself. I don't know how to explain that. Just like any good everything bagel, these chps have plenty of garlic and onion flavor, with all the requisite seeds, and they even have a little butteriness to them. I wish I had a tub of cream cheese to dip them in.

Sandy likes them a fair amount. Bagel chips are her favorite part of Chex Mix, and she acknowledged that these are better than those (no kidding). "I just wish there were more in the bag," she said. "So we could eat more of them?" I asked. "Exactly." Me? I could eat these enough to make myself test positive for opium (that poppy seed deal? Completely legit, as proven by no less a scientific authority than Mythbusters) and not really care. Okay, that's an overstatement, but for bagel chips with a little bit of everything, they're tough to beat.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Everything Bagel Chips: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Mini Blueberry Cheesecake Ice Cream Wedges

The packaging for this product claims that it's "an ice cream that thinks it's a cheesecake." Now where would ice cream get a silly idea like that? Maybe because you put the word "cheesecake" in the title of this product even before the words "ice cream," Trader Joe. I think you're largely to blame for this poor dessert's identity crisis. Is it a fruit? Is it ice cream? Is it cheesecake?

I think it may be all of the above. All at once. It seems paradoxical, but just in the same way that I am a son, a husband, and a friend all at the same time, this dessert may be multiple things at once. In both cases, it's kind of a beautiful mystery.

Of all the things that this product is, if there were one that I think it should try to be a little more, it would be blueberry. There are a few graceful swaths of a blueberry gel swimming through the frozen cheesecake, and right in the center of the dessert, there's a larger cache of sweet blueberry goodness, with perhaps a hint of actual blueberry. But Sonia and I both agree that the blueberry-ish center of the ice cream is the best part of the whole thing. We want more blueberry. It already has a fair amount of it. But we want more. We're both only children and we're used to getting our way.

It's creamy, it does taste like cheesecake, complete with a graham cracker crust, and it's frozen, with plenty of ice cream-ish properties, too. The only thing we weren't pleased with was the decision to place this product on a stick. In some cases, like this delicious snack, sticks are great. And there are plenty of successful frozen desserts on sticks like this one. But for some reason, both Sonia and I thought the sticks in these particular treats made the cheesecake taste just a bit like wood. Now, we may be nitpicking, but we both think these would have been better just served on a plate with a fork, a la traditional ice cream cake. They are a bit crumbly, so you might need a plate or a bowl to catch the mess anyway.

Considering how indulgent they taste, 100 calories per snack isn't that bad. Though they are quite small. I could probably have eaten the entire box of six in one sitting, though my sweet Sonia may have scolded me in that sassy Latin way that I love so much for doing so.

Because of the wooden taste, Sonia docked a few points, though overall, she agrees that these wedges are a win. 3.5 stars from Sonia. I think she's blowing the wooden thing a bit out of proportion. These sweet treats are unique and delicious, and I can't go lower than 4.5 stars.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10 stars.