Trader Joe's Chocolate Almond Protein Smoothie

Just a quickie for today. Sonia drank most of this beverage. I just tasted it and noped out pretty quickly.

It's chalky as I suspected it would be. I can also taste the pea protein underneath the chocolate and almond flavors. There's really not a ton of chocolate flavor, to be honest.

It was $3.49 for the 16 oz bottle. Sonia liked that it was filling and full of protein. She'd buy again in a pinch but wouldn't necessarily seek it out. I wouldn't drink it again.

Sonia's score: 6.5 out of 10.

Nathan's score: 4.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Pumpkin Spice Rooibos Herbal Tea

Although it's not exactly at the top of my list of go-to beverages, herbal tea can be comforting, soothing, and relaxing. There's a host of health benefits and often an enticing aroma. The flavor can be hit or miss in my experience, but with the help of sugar, honey, and other additives, you can usually make the beverage palatable if not downright delicious.

This brew is no different. By itself, it's a little on the bland side. The redbush blend is quite subtle, as is the pumpkin essence, and there's a whisper of pumpkin spices underneath it all. If anything, I think the pumpkin, cinnamon, and nutmeg is a little too understated here, but it's there. It's not an indulgent flavor in the slightest, even with the help of sweeteners.

I'm definitely more fond of the Harvest Blend Herbal Tea, which I'm fairly certain is still available at TJ's seasonally. Also reviewed on this blog: Trader Joe's Autumn Apple Rooibos Tea. Seems like that one may have been discontinued.

Really, to me, the most appealing aspect of this item is the fancy tin box that it comes in. Attractive, sturdy, useful for storage long after the tea is gone. $4.99 for 20 sachets of herbal tea. Kosher. Caffeine free.

Probably wouldn't reach for this product again since there are other options at Trader Joe's that I like more than this one. Put me down for six out of ten stars on Trader Joe's Pumpkin Spice Rooibos Herbal Blend. The beautiful wifey has a different take on this tea. You'll just have to watch the short video review if you want to hear her opinion and score.

Nathan's score: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Chicken Sausage Breakfast Bowl

Just trying a different format here. Most of this review was done on the fly in the YouTube video below, but I'll throw out some bullet points in this written post.

Pros: plenty of chicken sausage. Convenient. Filling. Product has a nice blend of salt and pepper flavors in the background.

Cons: the sausage comes in huge slabs rather than crumbled, and it has too much fennel flavor. There's not enough cheddar cheese. The plastic film didn't want to come off of the bowl easily. $4.29 is a little too much money considering the size and quality of the product. 

If you're in a pinch, it'll do the job for a quick and easy breakfast (or lunch) particularly if you're super hungry. Probably wouldn't buy Trader Joe's Chicken Sausage Breakfast Bowl again.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's All Butter Apple Shortbread Cookies

I'm not sure if it's always been this way since I've only lived in this region for five years or so, but seasons here in the Upper Midwest seem to change from summer to winter in fairly short order, practically skipping over the fall season. Things go from too hot to too cold virtually overnight some time in mid-October. Leaves start changing on some of the trees while it's still warm enough for swimming. Others wait until there's snow on the ground.

For this Pennsylvania boy, it's a bit disorienting. I'm used to autumns that creep up on you week over week, month over month. Usually by this time in mid-September, there's a crispness to the air that signals that it's time for warm cinnamony apple flavors and pumpkin spice desserts. Don't get me wrong, I like it here. The climate is just a little different than what I'm used to. And don't even get me started on the weather in Los Angeles. If there are only three seasons here in the Midwest, there's only one and a half in Southern California.

Even though my sleeveless tank top tells me that it's way too early for this apple shortbread treat, it is indeed that time again—time for the first new fall food review of 2024. If you're new here, please note that most of the "new" autumn products at Trader Joe's are actually seasonal items returning from previous years and the vast majority of them have already been reviewed on this blog. You can find them by thumbing through the Blog Archive in the right side bar or by using the Search This Blog bar near the top of the page.

First thoughts? The box is a lot smaller than I thought it would be. It was $3.49 for less than five ounces. These better be some darn good cookies...

...and they're just okay. In our humble opinions, these cookies don't hold a candle to last year's all butter shortbread cookies with raspberry filling. These cookies are harder, crunchier by comparison—not nearly as buttery. Instead of a gelatinous, syrupy fruit filling, they have actual pieces of dried apple baked into them. While I like the idea of flavoring these morsels with real apple bits, there's just not enough apple flavor to make these cookies super memorable.

I can't imagine anybody disliking these cookies to the point of not being able to finish the box, but there have been many more interesting shortbread confections at Trader Joe's throughout the years. We probably would not buy Trader Joe's All Butter Apple Shortbread Cookies again. Seven out of ten stars from Sonia. Six out of ten stars from me.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Grilled Chimichurri Chicken Thigh Skewers

I really liked those chimichurri chicken empanadas, so I figured I'd give these a try. Word on the street is that these are already discontinued, so...this review is largely moot. But there's always a possibility they'll be reinstated at some point in the future.

Conventional oven, microwave, and grill heating options are specified on the box. I was tempted to wing it with the air fryer but then I wondered if the little wooden sticks would burst into flames or something. I mean, logically, if they don't catch fire at 400° in the oven, they'd be fine in the air fryer at the same temp, but there's all that air whooshing around so...I just played it safe and used the regular oven. It took about 15 minutes to go from frozen solid to fully heated.

In terms of appearance and texture, these reminded me a lot of the jerk chicken skewers, which reminded me a lot of wild-caught gophers on sticks. Yum. Not appetizing if you ask me. Sonia and I both found the chicken to be a little chewy and fatty, which we're not fans of. There was even a bit of gristle here and there. I would have preferred breast meat over thigh, but I know some folks like that dark meat.

Flavor-wise, these had a nice spice blend. It's obviously a chimichurri type flavor, similar to the chimichurri sauce we looked at a couple years back but with less cilantro and parsley. In the end, I think I prefer the taste of the jerk seasoning since it had a slight bit more of a kick, and those other skewers actually came with a mango chutney dipping sauce.

$7.49 for six seasoned chicken thigh skewers. Don't think we'd purchase this product again though we had no problem finishing the box in a single sitting. Six out of ten stars from Sonia and me for Trader Joe's Grilled Chimichurri Chicken Thigh Skewers.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Meatless Breakfast Sausage Patties

I've never really been a fan of traditional sausage. I just don't like the taste of most pork products in general and there's something off-putting about the texture to me. Interestingly enough, this product found a way to emulate that off-putting texture fairly accurately. There are like little bumps of...something here and there that feel just like the weird bumps of animal meat in real sausage.

The spice blend is nice and hits pretty close to the spices you'd taste in pork sausage without the actual taste of meat. I'm not thrilled that the base is soy protein and wheat gluten. I'd rather have some other type of bean base, but I guess most fake meats are still made with some amount of soy or soy byproduct.

If you dress these puppies up with cheese, bread, and condiments, they're quite edible and unoffensive. I'd easily pick out that this was fake meat even in a blind taste test. Sonia agrees, but neither of us would prefer traditional sausage over this option in terms of taste or texture. 

We'd both gravitate towards turkey or chicken sausage as our first choice. But if you do Meatless Mondays or just mix things up for the heck of it, this vegan sausage is a passable breakfast option.

There were seven patties in our bag despite the packaging specifying there should be six. About four bucks for the whole thing. The patties are oddly small and don't really fit inside a bun or bagel or even an English muffin. There's excess bread on all sides. 

Sonia would probably buy Trader Joe's Meatless Breakfast Sausage Patties again while I probably would not.

Nathan's score: 6 out of 10.

Sonia's score: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Oven Dried Red & Yellow Bell Pepper Crisps

In the tradition of other crispy, crunchy veggie snacks that Trader Joe's has offered throughout the years, bell peppers are getting their day in the sun...er, their day in the oven, as it were. If you don't know what I'm talking about, see:

Trader Joe's Contemplates Inner Peas

Trader Joe's Kale Chips

Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Broccoli Florets

Trader Joe's Beet Chips

Trader Joe's Parsnip Chips

Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Okra

Your guess is as good as mine as to whether any of those snacktastic veggies are still available at TJ's or not...

As a standalone snack, these oven dried dealies are definitely not my favorite, despite a general fondness for bell peppers of all colors. They're oddly bitter, crusty, and papery.

Crumbled on top of stuff, however, they're pretty neat. $1.99 for the resealable bag. Product of Turkey. Sonia and I will go with six out of ten stars.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Crispy Battered Calamari

I'm well aware all squid can be a bit chewy, but this one was borderline rubbery IMO. Sonia agrees. I've had calamari a handful of times at Italian restaurants, and I don't think this selection was quite up to par in the texture department.

I wish it came with a sauce, too. We made our own with peri peri sauce, mayonnaise, and lemon juice, and it worked great. The flavor of these morsels is very good and isn't the problem, but sauce helps almost any fried appetizer.

Our second batch we left in the air fryer a good bit longer than what was called for, and it came out a little better than the first. The batter was even crunchier...and the squid? Really just about the same. It was difficult to cut even with a very sharp knife.

$5.49 isn't a bad price for how much you get here. Product of Italy. We still can't completely get over the excessive chewiness and lack of dipping sauce.

The beautiful wifey and I are both torn between six and seven stars, so we'll go with one of each for Trader Joe's Crispy Battered Calamari.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Organic Carrot Turmeric Juice Blend

If it's not apparent by now, Sonia and I don't shop at Trader Joe's to "be healthy," generally. We shop there because we find unique and interesting stuff from around the world at reasonable prices. Every once in a while, however, we try something that is obviously optimized for healthiness rather than taste just out of curiosity, and carrot juice products generally fall in that category.

It's been a good long while, but we've tried the Omega Orange Carrot Juice, the Tropical Carrot Juice Blend, and Organic Purple Carrot Juice throughout the years. Personally, carrot juice is not something I drink for pleasure, but this one sounded fascinating with both black pepper and chili pepper in the ingredients. What's life without a little adventure and a little variety?

Sonia's take on the matter? "I used to love carrot juice. I would get a big serving from Jamba Juice almost every day back in my twenties," she reported. "But then my skin turned orange."

Hahaha. Okay, love.

The color of this beverage is striking. It's not unlike Trader Joe's Dynamo from many years ago. It's a deep, opaque shade of orange. The lemon and pepper flavors hit your palate just as hard if not harder than the carrot essence. Sonia insists it tastes like tomato juice. I think it's just the two types of pepper and turmeric balancing out the natural sweetness of the carrots. It's very similar to a Bloody Mary, but with carrot instead of tomato. No wonder traderjoes.com says it mixes well with vodka.

In the end, the beverage tasted a little better than I thought it would, while Sonia liked it a lot less than she thought she would. Neither of us would ever reach for this after doing yard work over a nice tall glass of lemonade, but we'll probably have a shot or two in the morning each day for the health benefits and the invigorating rush of the pepper.

$4.79 for 32 fluid ounces, found with the shelf-stable beverages. Probably wouldn't buy again. Health nuts, have at it. Six out of ten stars from Sonia for Trader Joe's Organic Carrot Turmeric Juice Blend. Seven out of ten stars from me.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Chicken Karaage

Sonia and I are both fascinated with Japanese culture. We often watch travel videos from the Land of the Rising Sun and we just finished Tokyo Vice season 2. Good show. Needless to say, Japan is on our bucket list for travel destinations. We both even took a stab at learning a bit of Japanese via the Duolingo app. I've since given up. I can barely learn Spanish.

For the most part, we really enjoy Japanese cuisine, too. We're both fond of good sushi. Sonia is big into authentic ramen dishes, and I love tempura anything. So I figured breaded chicken with some alluring Japanese dipping sauce would be absolutely scrumptious.

And I'm sure this dish has its fan base, but I wound up kinda wishing I just had a box full of Chick-fil-A nuggets and some honey mustard instead of this karaage. It's not terrible, it's just a bit oily and not super flavorful. The sauce, made of canola oil, egg yolk, vinegar, and garlic powder, along with a few other things, isn't too far a cry from plain mayonnaise if you ask me.

The chicken is all leg. I'm more of a white meat guy, to be honest. While most were soft and good quality dark meat, a few of the pieces were unpleasantly gristly and chewy. The breading was nice and crispy, but it didn't add a whole lot as far as taste is concerned.

Sonia was busy with work when I asked for her thoughts on this chicken dish.

"S'good," she blurted flatly.

I'll interpret that as something like 7 out of 10 stars.

$6.49 for the four serving bag, found in the frozen aisle. Looks like it's simply "Japanese inspired" rather than a true Japanese import. I'd love to hear your thoughts if you're familiar with authentic karaage. All I can tell you is that this wasn't my favorite, but you can't say I didn't have a go at it. I'd try the dish again but probably wouldn't purchase this TJ's offering a second time. Six out of ten stars for me for Trader Joe's Chicken Karaage.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Savory Squares

Ah, nice. New crackers. Might as well try 'em. Kosher. Vegan. Gluten free, too, eh? Must be rice-based or something like that. Wait. Nut and seed flour? Tapioca, almond, sunflower seed, flaxseed, and potato-based?? Now this I gotta taste. To be honest, I'm a bit skeptical, but there's no way we're not trying these immediately.

From the moment you open the bag, there's an interesting smell. It's nutty, I'd say...not very cheesy to be honest...and definitely not like your ordinary wheat-based cracker. And the taste? I'm glad I went in with zero expectations, because I think I would have been disappointed if I had been craving a traditional Cheez-It type cracker. I mean, sure, it's an obvious comparison, but I don't find these fascinating alternative crackers to be a substitution for the classic wheat and cheese-based snack. 

I wouldn't say they're better than Cheez-Its. I wouldn't really say they're worse, either. They're just...different. I'm quite puzzled by these other reactions online that say these are "100% a dupe for a Cheez-It." I strongly disagree with that assertion.

These are like wannabe Cheez-Its from a health food store. I grew up with a wheat allergy when I was young. This tastes like the weird, expensive stuff my parents would give me to make me think I wasn't missing out on anything. When my friends would sneak me a taste of the real deal, I knew I was missing out on something.

As I got older, however, items with that health food store kinda vibe really grew on me. As a young adult without access to a Trader Joe's, I found myself craving that alternative stuff but actually buying the name brand wheat-based products simply because they were cheaper and easier to find in regular grocery stores. Now I'm middle-aged and I can buy original Cheez-Its or their alternative flour counterparts whenever I want to.

I'm not usually in the mood for cheesy crackers, but if I got a craving, I'd probably just get traditional Cheez-Its three quarters of the time and something like Trader Joe's Savory Squares the other quarter. Sonia doesn't like the aftertaste of these crackers. She thinks they're a little too bitter. She also thinks the texture is too hard and dense as compared to Cheez-Its and other wheat-based crackers.

$3.99 for the five serving box. I appreciate these crackers for their unique ingredients and pleasant crunchy texture but I don't think they're really my thing in the end. Six out of ten stars from me. Sonia will go with six out of ten as well for Trader Joe's Savory Squares. Let us know what you think of this product down in the comments, particularly if you're on a vegan or gluten-free diet.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Brookie Caramel Candy Clusters

Brookies are brownies crossed with cookies. And while these chocolatey treats are very cookie-esque, there's not much in the way of brownie texture to be found. Really, even flavor-wise, they don't taste like brownies either.

They taste like dark chocolate, salted caramel, pretzels, and cookies all smooshed together. That's basically what they feel like, too. They're crunchy and crispy with very little doughiness or soft brownie texture. The caramel is gooey and helps break up the harder elements a bit. I would have called these do-dads "prookies." You know, pretzel plus cookie equals prookie. Oh well.

Dark chocolate and salted caramel go quite well together. It's not my favorite combo in the world, personally, but you folks who do enjoy it will certainly like these. They're sweet, rich, and decadent. Both Sonia and I can only handle one or two at a time, though. And I absolutely have to have a swig or two of milk after snacking on these.

$3.99 for the seven serving resealable bag. It's really a decent product but just not our thing in the end. Let us know if you're a fan of this product down in the comments section. Sonia's score: 7/10. Nathan's score: 6/10 for Trader Joe's Brookie Caramel Candy Clusters.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Hold the Cone Tips

Just the tip. Just for a second. Just to see how it feels.

That's a quote from Vince Vaughn's character in The Wedding Crashers. Your guess is as good as mine as to what he was alluding to in that instance. For all I know, it could have been a reference to sampling Trader Joe's Just the Tip chocolate-filled waffle cone snacks...or whatever they're called.

I guess some people think the tip is the best part of the waffle cone. I won't argue with that assertion. But to me, the best thing about the tip of the ice cream cone is that last little bit of semi-melted ice cream. The cone itself is just fine, but without ice cream, it's a little on the plain side. Substituting ice cream with a slab of dark chocolate is a clever idea, but does it work? In my opinion: sorta.

It really just makes me wish I had an ice cream cone. But then again, I'm one of those unsophisticated folks who never learned to appreciate dark chocolate as much as its sweeter milk and white chocolate cousins. I might have even preferred a waffle cone tip stuffed with vanilla icing or some type of creamy frosting. Oh well.

The beautiful wifey generally enjoys dark chocolate. Her take on the tips: "They're boring. And the chocolate is too hard. I want ice cream in my waffle cones." There you have it. That's the consensus in our household.

Check out our blog for reviews of other products in this Hold the Cone series from Trader Joe's, most of which contain, you know, actual ice cream: Chocolate. Ginger Pumpkin. Coffee. Dairy Free. And even one called Hold the Corn!

$3.99 for the 3.5 serving box. Final scores? Put Sonia down for three out of five stars. I'll be nice and throw out three and a half for the sake of you dark chocolate lovers, but I don't think either of us would buy again.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Peas & Carrots Sour Gummy Candies

This is, like, totally the worst way to get your vegetables. But hey, there is some spirulina in there for color. So maybe that counts, right?

I don't think these candies are very sour at all. The carrots have some of that "sour sugar" on the outside but are otherwise just normal sweet gummy candy. Sonia says the peas are sorta kinda approaching an acceptable level of sourness but not quite attaining it. They're the opposite of the carrots: their insides are sourer than their stiff outer shell.

Made of mainly glucose syrup and sugar, the texture of the candy is hard to describe. The carrots are softer than the peas. It's a mouthfeel similar to that of Sunkist Fruit Gems, slightly different than your run-of-the-mill Sour Patch Kids or Swedish Fish—firm but gelatinous at the same time. Sonia says they're more dense than your average gummy candy.

The peas have an almost plasticky outer layer. The outside part almost feels like one of those old school glossy gumballs. The insides are soft and slightly chewy, and they taste moderately tart I guess.

$1.29 per 3 oz bag. Bring back the Ts & Js, TJ's. Sonia and I both like the Sour Scandinavian Swimmers more than these. I'm not saying I wouldn't eat a few peas and carrots if I had low blood sugar and somebody tossed me a bag of these guys, but neither Sonia nor I would buy these again. Two and a half stars from me. Three stars from Sonia for Trader Joe's Peas & Carrots Sour Gummy Candies.

Bottom line: 5.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Bake At Home Organic Garlic Bread

I really try not to let other people on the internet influence my opinion when writing reviews, but in this instance I couldn't escape all of the negative chatter about this product. Some folks were even circulating rumors that Trader Joe's corporate had directed store managers to take this bread off the shelves at certain(?) stores. Others said crazy things like their family of 15 couldn't even finish the six serving loaf and loads of other such nonsensical hyperbole.

I'm here to tell you it's not that bad. Is it great? No. But it's not terrible in our humble opinions. I mean, it's an odd concept: organic bread vacuum sealed up in plastic and preserved like King Tut, complete with oxygen absorber. There's even garlic spread already spread in between the two halves of the loaf. Then you unseal it, even out the spread between the halves, and toss it into the oven for 15 minutes at 425°F.

The bread kinda smelled like sourdough and plastic even after removing all the packaging. It browned nicely in the oven and came out smelling a bit better than when it went in. The top half of the loaf was inordinately thin and the bottom half was equally thick, so the top wound up being crispy and overly crunchy while the bottom remained doughy and much softer—although honestly, both halves were quite stiff and chewy.

As weird as it looked and smelled, I thought the taste of the garlic spread was okay. The bread itself wasn't bad either, but nor was it anything special. Mind you, this bread had a "best by" date of July 2nd (purchased this past Sunday). That's "fresh-baked" bread that can sit on your kitchen counter for almost three months...at least in theory anyway.

$3.99 for the loaf. Interesting concept. Don't think I'd buy again. Still, it isn't anywhere near as awful as some people are saying it is. Sonia and I polished most of it off in the course of a single day. Easy enough to prepare. It's just a little tougher than I'd have liked, texture-wise, and the flavor was just good but not stellar—far from inedible, but certainly a little weird. Three and a half stars from Sonia. Three stars from me for Trader Joe's Bake At Home Organic Garlic Bread.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Italian Tomato & Red Onion Focaccia

"Focaccia" sounds so much fancier than "pizza," right? Pizza is what kids eat at Chuck E. Cheese. Even "flatbread" sounds kinda lame and boring if you think about it. All bread is pretty much flat. Why would I want to eat bread thats most noteworthy feature is its flatness?

Fortunately, the bread in this product is quite delicious. It's puffy, rich, and doughy with both wheat and rice flours. It's gourmet quality all the way...and it's by far the best part of the product.

The toppings? Well, the quality is there in my humble opinion...but the quantity? That's a problem. We need more of everything. We need a sauce. We need some cheese. We need about ten times the onions and at least double the tomatoes. Sonia agrees. The few toppings that were there were all crammed in the middle, too. The outer portions were completely bare.

We need big slabs of buffalo mozzarella or some pecorino romano here. We need calabrian chili sauce or some top-shelf marinara. I dunno. It just needs...more. I know, I know, I can dress it up myself, but the packaging makes it look like a standalone appetizer if not a standalone meal.

Three bucks for a decent slab of focaccia bread isn't a terrible deal, but we both just expected better from the fixins. Probably wouldn't buy again. Three and a half stars from the beautiful wifey. Three out of five stars from me for Trader Joe's Italian Tomato & Red Onion Focaccia.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's BBQ Chicken Pizza

Aside from plain cheese, I think barbecue chicken might be my favorite pizza flavor of all time. I'm not really a pepperoni guy. Neither veggie lovers nor meat lovers appeals to me much, although I've had a decent beef brisket pizza or two in my day. I find the concept of breakfast pizza intriguing, but the execution usually leaves me wishing I'd gotten something safer.

Something safer...like barbecue chicken. Yum. Throw a couple different cheeses and some onions on there and it's an easy crowd pleaser. It's always interesting when Trader Joe's does something simple and classic like this. They often try to Trader Joe's-ify it somehow—like those cheeseburgers from last year. I think they're the best frozen cheeseburgers I've ever had, but more than half the people I talked to about them disagreed.

My take on this pizza? It's adequate, but not much more than that. I wish they would have Trader Joe's-ified it. Like why wouldn't they have used one of their own top-notch barbecue sauces on this product? It lacks that je ne sais quoi that TJ's products often deliver. No wonder they didn't do anything fancy with the packaging. This is typical grocery store fare all the way—not terrible, but not what I'm looking for at Trader Joe's.

In its defense, there's plenty of chicken, though it wasn't distributed very evenly around the pizza. That's easy enough to remedy. The quality of the meat is fine, too. The crust, the sauce, and even the onions just aren't doing anything particularly memorable. This pizza is very similar to, though not quite as good as, the California Pizza Kitchen brand frozen bbq chicken pizza.

At $5.49, this item is a little cheaper than most frozen pizzas I've purchased lately, but it's also a good bit smaller. Probably would not buy again. Two and a half stars from me. Sonia is much more positive about the pizza than I am, though she admittedly is extremely hungry AND she slathered hers with about half a bottle of Jack Daniel's brand barbecue sauce. Three and a half stars from her for Trader Joe's BBQ Chicken Pizza.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.